KANG NO WALLET

azizan pesach ansari

2011-04-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

THE SECOND AVENUE SUBWAY

that i should live to see the day. DAYENU.

fuck an east side train anyway but this photo DESTROYS

& reminds us of mr. rogers' neighborhood of make-believe.

the video below is old but still a really good thing to cry about.

ok ok ok so a thing that i really have to say is thank you, colin firth

for confirming kang no wallet: the theory. i can't find a clip of the

scene in question so i will reproduce it from memory:

kang: "i have a stutter."

geoffrey rush: "i shall wager you a shilling on something about your stutter!"

kang: "OH BUGGER ROYALS DON'T CARRY MONEY."

VISUAL AID

jk jk that is actually a visual aid from the porn that was

shot in the same room as colin firth's oscar winning accent.

what is weirder than british porn is that the number of people

who saw the kang's speech and were struck by the moment

reenacted above is more than NONE. YOU GUYS KANG NO

WALLET IS ALMOST NOT EVEN A REAL IDEA.

here are google-able images of at least three people who thought

of me while viewing kang no speech:

dems ya boys @jeffyjerusalem (#toosincerefortheinternet) and

@RonsMonster (#SERIOUSPSORIASIS). also little kitty kitz,

who has an @un.org email address instead of a twitter!!!!

NOW WHO WANTS TO FEEL GOOD????

all look same

2010-12-11T09:09:00.001-08:00

HUGE ACTOR HUGH JACKMAN

2010-10-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

TRULY GHASTLY

the closest i got to halloween today was spooking myself during evening face washing. mirrors can be so scary! a real rush!

a la youtube makeup gurus, HUGE BOOKSTORE HAUL!!!!!!: more maira kalman, absalom! absalom! [a word so nice, faulkner used it twice?], ender's game and some gogol. remember the -ogle party we threw at 2207, jeffy? we had:

BA BA BA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ARRRRR YOUU

2010-10-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

that one was from summer.

the conductor on tonight's c train (dried mango, richard brautigan, eczema) had a BOSTON ACCENT. "laze n gemmen DO NOT hold the doowas step all the way into the CAHH." no no no no no.

still considering psychotherapy as my outsider art.

lucy watched me flail tonight but look at her again and again.
doesn't she look like kate winslet?

baroque sexuality

2010-10-13T08:10:00.001-07:00

you guys, yesterday i googled myself and for the first time realized that the whole, googleable world could just straight up see MY drivers license. dob, et al. so i brought that file straight to paint and blacked out the sensitive information because remember what sarah's grandma noreen said via email before our cross-country road trip: TRUST NO ONE.

last night, i accidentally got very high on a duane reade "allergy medicine"-vinho verde combo. the sensation was actually quite delightful but so took me by surprise that i so took myself home at 10 pm, despite the presence of a kitten the size of my hand.

FROM THE FUUUUTTTTTUUURRRREEEEEEE: lines from books that i know by heart like "...and the trees, which nearly met overhead, made it feel as if they were driving through a long, dark vault" (frances hodgson burnett, the secret garden), a treatise on the youtube whispering community, pina bausch, john gregory dunne and so many thoughts about ess eee exx.

cristalle by chanel

2010-05-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

i just suddenly felt this rush of uncertainty as to whether or not everyone had been rereading the following HORSE FACT with as much regularity as i have. you guys, it's really important to read this all the time. i've apple c-apple v'd it below to make it even easier for you to do this.

HOW FOOTBALL WORKS IS, I DONT KNOW BY juntz

My brother explained football to me when we were watching it on a wide screen at my aunt and uncle’s house in Santa Monica. My brother teaches 6th grade, so he did a really good job even though I am an idiot.

Here is what I now know:

They all line up. Red team and Purple team. Red has the ball. The football, which the game is named after.

The whistle blows. The Red guy who only has one job, which is to do this, “hikes” the ball behind himself. He has his butt in the air, and the ball has to pass between his legs. He is wearing spandex capri pants, or, “Clam Diggers.”

The QB gets the ball, and now it’s really Go Time. He has to “set up the play.” Like James Van der Beek in the 1999 MTV film, Varsity Blues. Van der Beek is the QB. It means Quarter Back. It means that women love you and wear whipped cream bikinis for you. It means that later your career will really go down the toilet post-Rules of Attraction but my brother will continue to emulate your middle-parted hairstyle (aka “The Butt Cut”) well into his college years. It means A HERO. Okay. (Me: “What if he drops it?” My Brother: “He sucks.”)

What happens next happens in truly about 2-10 seconds. If you wear glasses usually but are not wearing them now, forget it. If you’re prone to sort of zoning out at pivotal moments when important facts are repeated for the only time during movies that have actual plots (why do I do that? seriously. seriously. why?), forget it.

Basically, the kind of burst of hormone-crazed adrenaline that certain moms are maybe-apocryphally have said to have reacted with in response to infants trapped beneath cars, etc., is happening in all of the dudes on the field, Team Red AND Team Purple, and it looks like this:

1) Everybody

2) gets on top

3) of the dude holding the ball

and the whistle blows again.

oslo, and if i've already yelled at/pinged you about this then shut up, i'm considering purchasing the building reproduced above so i can open my drug store/soda counter there and no one will ever "get a job, sir" me again because i will be the kind of small business owner about whom you read in sunday styles. it will be a good drug store, stocking necessities like band aids, ibuprofen, light bulbs, brooms and cranberry supplements - all the things for which, in portland, you have to schlep to an unflatteringly lit box store where you begrudgingly want to buy one million kinds of mascara and big boy tees in vibrant colors like safety green and mature purple. NOW these things will be only a cross country plane ride away!

i would really like to employ a pharmacist so that i can consider going back on birth control without having to figure out whether or not the traditionally garbed ladies at the better health pharmacy on fulton and franklin will judge me when i ask them to fill a rx for lo-ovral.

there will also be a candy & soda counter where all i care about is coke from the fountain. i've been drinking a can of coke a day and i have zero complaints.

i feel obliged to tell you now that i will not be selling your zine at my drug store. that is not the point. nor will i serve beer or buy the vacant lot next door and turn it into an outdoor chilling area for all my friends. those are also not the points. but if you are 10 and you just fell off your skateboard, maybe your mom will come in and buy some rubbing alcohol and a charleston chew.

dinges

2010-05-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

reverso, or something.
here we have an attempt at that germanic orderliness about which i've been reading so much.

i guess what follows is a list of those organized dings in zig zag order literally from memory and the above tiny image. this may get dull:

1 an auld photo of portland (if you could you would note fewer bridges)
2 postcard of the painting "prince(ss?) ivanallitchka and the big grey wolf" or something. that's googlable.
3 collage by carlyn
4 lyrics to the SWANG SWANG SWANG rap, found on a n portland street
5 group photo of ndi's 1995 event of the year.
6 a natl geo man petting a nice pony
7 late august 2009 photo mash up by jin camou
8 blazers v nuggets ticket stub
9 "cell phones do it in the night" illustration by jeff brodsky
10 dune playing cards
11 (drank) twin peaks coffee
12 "rulon gardner leaves his boots in the middle of the ring, a tradition that in greco-roman wrestlings signifies the end of a career." the big man is crying.
13 secrets of french braiding pamphlet
14 some french school kids grabbing at a pile of rifles
15 TREVOR BOUGHT A COCKRING remember?
16 deer in digi cam lights on FI
17 packaging from a salty seed treat enjoyed by foster in egypt
18 old dudes shooting guns
19 little boy in puddle
20 dmv pamphlet - I JUST BOUGHT A BOAT... NOW WHAT?
21 view from west facing windows of apt 7a in 101 w 80th st
22 gems
23 dr kazmierowski, dermo
24 goat and cat snuggling
25 a chase bank deposit envelope full of 2 dollar bills "for lena ruby" from mommy
26 lola and alex's canal st thing from the times
27 man skiing but you can HARDLY SEE HIM SO COOL
28 title page, book one: dune
29 the dubai world islands
30 old man reclining on a dune
31 ted williams, slaying
32 that painting of the girl leaning back in a chair with her hands behind her head and you can see her underwear
33 cat postcard from cat postcard fair attended in 2nd grade

34 the tomb of christ, according to grandma's writing on back of photo
35 a very sparse family tree by mommy
36 good luck betch mandala
38 70s babes in the desert
39 even earlier birthday card from carlyn

only instead of putting those things on my wall, i've put them on my blog. inspiration/motivation seem highly indirect these days. also, i'm having a hard time telling if this behavior suggests an interest or marked disinterest in archival work.

nationwide, roommates be snoozy

MAN SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

ketchup compromise

2010-04-21T21:55:00.001-07:00

so, i know that earlier on this blog i mentioned that 2010 might be "for chanting," but i'd like now to amend that statement. andrew william raposo and i have recently developed a new platform for the common era year 2010 that, through a series of mis-spokes, mis-hears and the general slurring of words, i took to be called "noble shit 2010." this, as you may have already observed, really jives with the royal bent of the kang no wallet web log: i value prosperity, blood line and the use of curse words for humor. now, from what i can tell, the noble shit 2010 take-away is chatting, getting super tight and rehashing old beef. the platform is particularly ideal if you like taking cabs.

our highly anticipated ad/gamer campaign:

even though i heard there are no tits in the video game.

i recently hardly chatted at all with jeff (see below). mostly he just asked if he had made a habit of snoring (duh) and then used the word "tolerable" when he meant to use the word "tolerant" in quoting claire as she described how i must have been for the last 5 years. it was a hurtful mistake.

i live in ny now, again (IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THAT FROM THE CAB BIT). if there's anyone to whom you'd like me to say "hi" juuuuusstttttt coooooommmmentntttntntntntn~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bork bork bork

2010-02-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

what jeff says about tour IN CANADA:

reminders of this lady and THE GIRL WHO SHOWED HER TO ME WHO IS GETTING AT ME RIGHT NOW
flyflyfly for a bj

we are not hugging and i am winning the bout, despite topsiders/bottomsiders.

so! car is drive. the "cd library" is heckuv ragtag but it'll "get her." today i did a packing dry run, as in that time on will and grace when jack's mom comes barreling out of the elevator with a casserole dish BEFORE THANKSGIVING to make sure the hot dish is still hot.
"the one where lena can't fit her books and records into the car she bought for the express purpose of moving them back east."
sunday was about brit murph and fat jokes:

whoops

2010-02-17T11:07:00.001-08:00

come correct

2010-02-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

(too) soon?

key change

2010-02-12T14:14:00.001-08:00

i am obviously jazzed on this.

dubai's coast and two manmade archipelagos as seen by GOD. back in 2005, while going deep with the massive compiled aerial photo of île de france that carpeted the lobby floor of the cité des sciences et industrie, i struck upon the apparently borgesian idea of a world map on a scale that would require you to hike from continent to continent, camping in the oceans with other chillers. rue figured what i was looking for was probably too big for this world. NOT DUBAI. i know the islands' existence is old news but that photo is just so sick plus brangelina were thinking about buying ethiopa island. i support this. dubai knows about kang no wallet.

more island lifestyles. 25 years ago these kids had a time, then lilly (far left) had a summer wedding upstate and i was that hung over at the morning after brunch:

but the clincher was puking out the window of daddy's (bottom, at left) grown-up filled acura while cruising south on the taconic. izzy's (top, 2nd from right) mom and stepdad were in the car but no one got mad, just disappointed? other memories from that morning include enlisting the water-fetching services of a charming 6 year old kiwi girl who thought i was just so tired as well as a discomfiting inability to laugh at jokes.

my boo got talent

i want paul ramirez jonas' key to the city of new york.

shifra puah

2010-02-10T14:44:00.001-08:00

i wore my battle furs to the dmv this morning and won. let's do the motherfuckin thing.

spanish fork, ut

2010-02-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

in 7th grade, the 8th graders did habitat in west virginia, then sang this song at assembly in the church of the heavenly rest on 91st and 5th. 13 year olds can tell when their peers are reliving make outs that were years of math classes in the making.
this one really just SOCKS IT to me. GUHN.

been indulging in that way, of late. gut thumpers.
a little bibber, disc one and alabaster inspiration:

"shame on me for kissing you with my eyes shut so tight." - that thing you do, 1996

1995 minnie driver'll do a different thing, but still so good.
remember what a bad guy alan cumming was in circle of friends?

intro to attempted rape. yeesh.

mailer (l) on worst boy gary gilmore (r) is getting under my skin. makes me want to crack beers and buy soft packs in utah.

oslo, drive! back in 2006 i went out to rue's car from manor to get something and, upon return, casually threw her keys on the table. in that moment, andrew imagined me as the driver i am now. can't wait to show him how i hold my car keys.

get some face time in ok

2010-02-04T22:13:00.000-08:00

some of these are very secret, very safe. all are "you know whats." (chillers)

dr phil's internet test says i am the lively center of attention

FINEANDNORMALFINEANDNORMALFINE&NORMAL

2010-02-01T18:25:00.001-08:00

i think i'll try this again, differently. i was maybe not being fine and normal enough before. ready here we go.

i'd like to take a mome to explain the title of this sblog because i think it is an interesting idea about money. there i was, in poland (ggaachhhh?), looking at an ol paintin of a king (kang) who was observing the construction of an enormous bell he had ordered:

oh, maybe it was more the queen who struck me. either way, that's what i was looking at when i realized that kings did not have to carry wallets, nor queens clutches and that that is a level of wealth that i am so down with. maybe it's a little like a black card or that economic law that explains why it makes sense for you to give rich people more free stuff than normals but it's BETTER. KANG NO WALLET. it means you are balling. it's something that feels good to say.

the closer it gets to my road test the more clear it becomes that the reason i started this blog was so i could one day post the scan of my drivers license? such nachas it would give me.

this hungarian guy, paul erdős, was a mathemetician which is a great start. on top of that he was like this:

:plus the original kevin bacon and a poet. consider,

chebyshev said it
and i say it again
there is always a prime
between n and 2n

grace with numbers, lived out of a suitcase and a deep chested caffeine and bennie habit. buzzy. then he died of a heart attack at a math conf in warsaw, like you do.

different: mommala! the way her right hand is fingertips only on my back is just right, so accurate - not a scratch, a nicing. when you google sradnick you get a lot of hits about der yacht club berlin which is funny for several reasons.

stupid mickey mouse

2010-01-15T01:15:00.000-08:00

our mutual dermatologist! sim city to david lynch. jeff warned but luckily i forgot because it was such a pleasure to noddingly accept his nasally challenge to "be a good patient" and then to tell a miffffed jefff how i came to realize what a david lynch he was. being good means i should wear my white magician gloves over layers of eczema cream when i'm "willing to be greasy." doctor!

similah to a, this is about rashes. lauren kalman is a chiller who satisfies a certain desire. girl beee nazzzty.

nothing powers you up like an evening with grown up boy siblings. the brodsky's! we've collected all three.

and this, finest note:

ultimately i work in an office.

2010 is for chanting

2010-01-12T16:35:00.000-08:00

here we go HERE WE GO

maybe now i will do something with all those pieces of paper culled in manila envelopes here and in new york

mlk jay day is soonsies. for that i'm taking uh eighteen owuh train from sf to portland. james advises me to bring a flask. i had thought ahead of original formula dramamine which functions as a sleeping pill unlike new formula nondrowsy dramamine but the thing is no one wants to be awake for nausea, suppressed or otherwise, and that's why i stay in bed until 5 pm with my favorite hangovers.

look at that good milky man on our own fire island! then me and mommy (a fiery proponent of original formula; she would take 2-3 on every plane ride and just get violently fatigued) on fire island. i was pregnant?

when is my thesis on "shouting" in pentecostal churches due? for moves: please to 0:25 and 0:47. jams: cross-reference with WHY I MUST BE CAREFUL. this is the best video you have ever seen.

even after i leave portland, i'll keep standing on the word.